I’m a Colossal Mess and a Stupid Failure
How I am leaning into myself to generate momentum and learn.
Pragmatic Curiosity helps you harness your curiosity to become a self-learner. Thank you for reading.
Summary
🫂🫶 Embrace yourself: lean in to who you are and channel the version of yourself you admire.
I’m gonna let you all in on a little secret:
This is the worst I’ve felt mentally in 9 years.
I used to be overweight and awkward, but 9 years ago I decided I had had enough. I vowed to change it.
So I did, by working my ass off.
I want to learn to swim. I think I could be good at it. Today, I went to the local pool, paid the entrance fee, got in the water, realized I have no fucking clue what I am doing, got up and left.
I’m almost 29.
I felt so stupid. Everyone is there to have fun and exercise. Yet I felt out of place, standing in the pool, not even wanting to try. I know that nobody cares, but I disappoint myself.
I’ve felt out of place for a large part of my life.
Even in the most mundane situations. Getting my hair cut feels like an ordeal. Buying clothing is stressful.
The world wasn’t designed for me. Or I wasn’t designed for the world.
I’m not fond of traveling. I don't like parties or festivals. I don’t like to exercise with others. I often just want to be alone. I struggle to maintain contacts. I feel like the grumpy old man, watching others enjoy themselves.
And I just want to run along.
What do I truly like? I’ve felt like a failure for not liking what everyone else did. For not knowing what I want, and always wishing for something else.
For not ever feeling truly great at something.
It‘s something I am coming to terms with. I’m getting older. Maybe I was never meant to be that guy, pal.
But goddamn, how I wish I was that guy.
I might long for it, but what does that accomplish? Instead, I will embrace me. The often awkward, sometimes grumpy, weird, annoying, solitary me. I desire to lean in. Fuck all the rest. I’m tired of not feeling like I belong, so I’ll create my own place.
I often embarrass myself. There’s an ocean of things I believe I should be able to do. Yet I fail to do it.
But I can learn.
I can learn about the things I want, at my own pace, even if I’m a mess who’ll never be the smartest, fastest or most talented. You can too.
I’m doing my best to channel younger me.
The awkward and fat younger me. The guy who decided he’d had enough. The guy who worked hard, who showed up every day even if it felt hopeless. He was cool. He was that guy, and I’m bringing him back out.
Lean in with me. Let’s create the momentum we need.
We have to love the person we are, not the person we wish we were.
That trip to the pool? It wasn’t a failure. It helps me get into the right mindset. When I first went to the gym, I found it uncomfortable. But sometimes, even just going to the place of interest is enough to start building a habit.
Go to the gym for 5 minutes. Open the textbook. Showing up is the first step. Taking the first step helps to create the identity that you are a person who does the thing.
The rest follows.
When we lean in, we’ll be glad that the world wasn’t designed for us.
Here’s one note I want to highlight, one quote to make you ponder and one post/note from another creator I enjoyed this week.
1. The Note
2. The Quote
Goodbye then. Be safe, friend. Don’t you dare go hollow. - Laurentius of The Great Swamp (Dark Souls)
3. The Promote
This week, I especially enjoyed
of talking about newsletter creation from the perspective of a product manager. Check it out here:
Awesome that you also recorded yourself!
You’re leaning into discomfort (if that’s something that you are not comfortable with). Keep doing things that scare you and you will build confidence very quickly.
Keep going to the pool, next time swim.
One thing I noticed Rasmus, no one actually gives a shit what you’re doing. They’re too worried about themselves to look at you.
You only fail yourself when you don’t do the things you want to do. That knocks your confidence. I’ve been there myself.
I’ve learnt to just do what I want, because that brings me peace.
Rasmus, I absolutely loved your narration! I could really feel depth of your words and experiences.
Your recent swimming experience struck a chord. (Was it inspired by watching the Olympics, by chance?) As a terrible swimmer myself, I've felt that same sense of inadequacy. But as you wisely point out – it doesn't matter!
I can relate to so much of what you've written here. Your insights remind me that progress often follows a pattern of: Initial discomfort, Seemingly minimal progress, Habit formation, Unstoppable momentum.
It's crucial to remember that most progress is invisible and mental at first. A lot of work goes into this before we see physical results, making the start challenging but ultimately more rewarding.
Your post beautifully illustrates how, after a few sequential jumps of discomfort, we can set habits that we really want, and commit to our goals. And once we're in the flow, we become damn near unstoppable.
Thank you for your vulnerability, insights, and the kind promotion! Your words are both inspiring and relatable!